Our feelings originate from cognitive responses that we experience in the present moment and although they can occur in very powerful, and at times overwhelming manifestations they are mutable and can be regulated. They are also subjective (in other words they are neither universal nor consistent across individuals, time, communities or cultures) and therefore well within our sphere of control.
Let’s take anger for example. We are not bound to be angry in reaction to any situation. Anger is a product of the mind. A feeling it conjures in response to a stressful or threatening event. Certain feelings can be helpful but others can be destructive – damaging our relationships, create social anxiety, impact performance, lower expectations, destroy confidence and increase the likelihood of antisocial behaviour.
Anger breeds feelings of aggression and violence even if the anger is in the service of righting a wrong or getting something important to happen. Anger intrinsically warps what is, whether you are in the right or not. It’s innate toxicity taints all it touches.
Internalizing anger (Suppressed Anger) is well known to be unhealthy both medically and psychologically, but it is also unhealthy to vent anger uncontrollably as a matter of habit and reaction, however justifiable (Open & Passive Aggressive Anger).
At his point you might be asking: “But aren’t there times when I have the right to be angry?”. And my response would be: “Why not try to frame the question in a more helpful and revealing light by dropping the word ‘right’, which has connotations of its own? After all, anger consists of nothing other than your cognitive, emotional and behavioural response to an external signal for which you become accountable.” So it would be more appropriate therefore to have the question restated: “Do I have the responsibility to be angry?”. Most people do not think of anger as responsibility, but very often it is.
Let me use a familiar setting to explain how this new perspective can change the dynamics of our interpersonal experiences: If you are in a relationship that you want to succeed, there inevitably will be moments of conflict, creating frustration and irritability. The way you handle the emotions associated with that conflict will have a great bearing on the success of the relationship. In certain instances it would even be irresponsible NOT to communicate your anger. The key is to learn to communicate anger constructively, which means you would be standing firmly for your worth, needs and beliefs whilst also treating the other person with dignity (in therapy we call this Assertive Anger).
There is a price we pay for being attached to a narrow view of being ‘right’. Without care and awareness, small-minded feeling states can dominate a moment and lead us to make irreversible choices that trample over what is truly important. It happens all the time. The collective pain we cause others and ourselves bleeds our souls. Hard as it is for us to admit, especially about ourselves, self-tinged anger may be something we indulge in and surrender to far too often.
Anger communication has its place in any relationship, but love, kindness, respect for the human dignity and forgiveness can be given greater emphasis when effectual emotional regulation is within our skillset. Teaching and testing these coping skills in real life situations is the ultimate goal of my therapeutic interventions whenever anger management is the main presenting problem.
“Nobody besides yourself can make you angry.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
We can learn to change the lens through which our mind filters and understands the world around us.
Let’s take the example of an antique Tibetan singing bowl. To some, it is a valuable antique and meditation tool, worth hundreds to thousands of pounds. To others, it is a beat up ugly tarnished old bowl. The bowl itself is the same, nothing has changed. What changes is the viewpoint of the person who sees it.
It is possible to change the assumptions and biases and personal stories that make up our mind’s lens and by so doing alter the triggered emotional reactions such as anger and other unhelpful feelings.
One person’s anger may differ so much from another’s that calling them by a common name only obscures what is actually going on for each. The word anger conceals more than it reveals. To truly understand what is going on requires the therapist to become involved in the texture of lived experience with all its variations.
What makes an experience real is its particulars.
Arthur W. Frank
Through the combined use of cognitive behavioural techniques, mindfulness meditation and hypnotic suggestions I can help you make those changes in your life so that your mind’s eye can look through a new filter – one that puts you in control and works for you instead of against you.
Life is certain to have frustrations and imperfections, so unless you determine to handle anger more constructively, you can expect more hurts.
Try watching your reactions in situations that annoy you or make you angry. Observe the ways in which your feelings are creations of your mind’s view of things, and that maybe that view is not complete.
The Pot of Mindfulness – Experiment with mindfulness as a pot into which you can put all your thoughts and feelings and just be with them, letting them slowly cook, reminding yourself that you don’t have to do anything with them right away, that they will become more cooked, more easily digested and understood simply by holding them in the pot of mindfulness.
If you find yourself often incapable of reeling in your anger induced impulses when dealing with other people then I invite you to experiment with this 👉🏾 Mindfulness Exercise 👈🏾 and see for yourself if you can manage to shift your attitude using this simple yet hard to accomplish technique. Changing your mind set, even if by a bit, right in midst of those very moments dominated by strong emotion whilst becoming aware through self-monitoring of the thoughts, feelings and actions that accompany the expression of anger can be an incredibly transformative experience.
Anger warning signs 👈🏾 are clues our bodies give us, indicating that anger is starting to grow. These clues include physical symptoms, thoughts, and actions, such as turning red in the face, sweating, becoming argumentative, or becoming fixated on the source of anger. By learning to identify anger warning signs, we can start to catch our anger early, while it’s still easy to manage.
Hypnotic Alliance 